Why is it that women spend inordinate time discussing and thinking about marriage?
( It is a rhetorical question aimed to kickstart a kickass post. Yes yes , the answer is social conditioning and Pride and Prejudice.)
I am into 10th year of my marriage. I need a pause and an applause here. The sentence sounds just so.. awesomely auntish… The reader would immediately know what to expect: a bittersweet description of the decade of togetherness… how it has not been easy, but how it is all worth it….. how it is fulfilling, but how you need to work on it…. how you have evolved in it, but how you have also lost that ‘little free bird’ in you in the process…..and blah da ding tong ta.
Because, people who spend ten years living with one man sort of become ding tongish. And ( soft music playing in the background) there comes a time.. when ding tonging seems like.. ( music picks ups) a natural and comfortable way of existence ( drumbeat). So naturally they want to ding tongify everyone else- sort of like spreading the gospel of the lord. Or spreading germs by refusing to take sick leave from overcrowded office.
I realised, contrary to my claims and self-image, I am dingy tongy for marriage when my brother decided to get married a few months ago. And how I hid my glee and how I would have high-fived him when he told me the good news, had we been siblings who high-fived at important moments, and not the ones who crack vulgar jokes and/ or stare in tea cups intensely. As I stared in my cup intensely, I was bubbling from inside with thoughts like:
Companionship!! Love!! Unlimited sex!!! Someone to hold his hand through life’s ups and downs!!
Translation: Someone else is responsible for him now!! HE HAS HIS OWN ISLAND!!
This Island this is a big thing for me. I need an island badly to exist. And by island I mean a small world of my own in the middle of big world. I step in, wipe myself off the sea surrounding my island and I am free to exist.
My books,my obsessions, my relationships, my angst are all on my island- kept dry and safe from that jaded mediocrity of the world.
I visit and hop onto other islands I love, but in the end, I want my own island to sleep in and to breathe in.
Most of the people I am close enough to give advice ( doesn’t matter if they take it or not) or a comforting shoulder to cry on to, are commitment phobic in a weird way. They are all very sincere, oddly simple and little childish. But none of them are really easy to live with. Unless we live in a commune with separate rooms with doors and large acres of land to get lost in.
These are fairly intense people. And laid-back in their lives. If you have read Secret History of The Likeness, we are a bit like that, me and the people I love. Except we don’t live in the same house and we haven’t killed anyone. But the tone is the same.
So I have advocated marriage or a live-in to virtually all of them, or a live-in because I believe it is not possible to have a commune like the aforementioned Secret History or The Likeness YET. So, we need our own ‘couple a.k.a plan B’ meanwhile.
Translation: We need someone on our little island in this sea of humanity.
This is the perhaps the most loveable and beguiling aspect of Marriage/ Live-in. It gives you, in a socially acceptable way, a little island in this heaving sea of world.
And if you are like me and my people- then you want to create your island.
And when you are on your own, then you are not an island, but essentially a floating ship or something. Which is great a post on the great floating ship a.k.a single life.
But virtually everyone I love are more like a canoe material/ Because of their intensity and weirdness, their canoe can sail literally anywhere, I would rather they have an island and at least be a bit stable.
I am sure this makes absolutely no sense but this is what I feel about marriage OR live-in.