Definitely not Zen..

All my Zen-ness has disappeared today.

Same old enemies. Perfectionism. Worrying about worst possible scenarios. Stressing about things rather than getting to do them.

In general a weighty feeling of thorough dissatisfaction coursing through my body. Heaviness in heart. Irritability. Breaths held in and exhaled loudly. A desire to just go and smash something.

Anyway. Maybe it is PMS- if it is, great. Or maybe it is delayed homesickness. Or maybe it is the old habit of stressing for perfect finish to the project, rearing its ugly head. Maybe it is the thorough unprofessionalism rampant here.

Whatever it is, it has to go by tomorrow morning. Because it is just not worth it. And I don’t want to spend even 2 days sucked into same old shitty anxiety.

6 thoughts on “Definitely not Zen..

  1. At least you are aware of the stress you are putting on you and this awareness will hold you in good stead. Good luck, I’m sure you will get back on the Zen track. :)

    • Thanks. Yes, I have a history of self-torture and perfectionism leading to disappointment. But I hope I have become wiser now. The proof? I have decided to say ‘f**k it’ on the second day of the stress and am relatively better.

  2. Anxiety really is shitty. I can totally relate to all those symptoms: impatience and irritability peaking and culminating ibto a huge loud sigh, the frown on the forehead. I dread these.

    Yesterday i went to a homeo doc and she said that anxiety runs in families. She said i just absolutely needed to practise deep breathing for 10 mins daily. Coz once you learn not to let ur breath be short, you automatically suffer less anxiety. I havent tried it as i find deliberate breathing incredibly boring. But maybe we could really give it a shot? I might find it less boring if you are doing it too :P

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