I woke up at 4 am today with a jumble of thoughts in my head. Couldn’t go to sleep despite of focusing on breathing and trying to clear my head.

So woke up and sat in the balcony smoking.

And there was a chant going at the back of my mind. I want to be happy. I am happy. I want to be happy. I am happy.

More than anything else in the world, this morning I truly feel like jumping up the next step in my life. No rational and mature understanding this. Just plain simple realisation that I am over self-pity, sadness and worries.

And although I hope it sustains for long-term and doesn’t fizzle out within a few days that I am prone to, I don’t remember myself so upbeat and gung-ho in a long long time.

So hurrah!!

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5 thoughts on “Happy…

  1. Knowing you enough, I don’t think you have any reason to have self-doubts. But I have observed that people with higher-level intellect tend to have more
    self-doubt than others. Loosely like “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread” I guess.

    I have this problem often. Not that I categorize myself as having higher-intellect. Above average is more like it but definitely not in the topmost layer. Even so, I constantly feel myself doubting my self-worth. I keep feeling like I am not good enough. But if the people around you notice this trait about you even at a subconscious level, it’s like they have a weapon to demotivate you. I saw this happen a lot in my previous job. I just wouldn’t assert what I knew to be true, even in the company of close friends, especially the aggressive ones. And then they sort of started misusing my self-doubt, without even knowing it themselves, against me.

    I really envy people who love themselves unconditionally. It might seem stupid to a rational mind but it sure does tons of good to your mind.

  2. Wow! That seems like a nice realization to have something that most people I know could use with me being at the top of the list. Do you mean you felt that way because you kept telling yourself to be happy or did it just happen naturally at that one brilliant moment of revelation?

    • It was I guess, coming on. Last few days I was feeling miserable. Too much self pity and self doubt. And this morning I just told myself not to be like that. Literally told myself aloud. Because it is so easy to slip into self-pity mode that one looses one’s confidence and will also. I think the intensity of last few days just made me realise it with a bang. So many good things I have here, just don’t rub me with happiness. And I dwell on self doubt. The old adage of loving oneself is true. I don’t know how long it will last but I am determined to make it last and not get into that mood again.

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